Last Friday Night (Wallflower)

And there I was seating on the last table near the door, all alone.

I have always been firm with my stand that, I don't love him. I know I don't. But the other day when my friend asked me, "Are you sure, you don't love him?" I started to doubt myself. Am I really sure that I don't love him? And true enough by the end of that day I finally admitted it to myself what I have been denying for so long. Yes, I do love him. I do love him very much. 

With me finally admitting to that fact comes with whole pack of another rationalization blues. I mean, seriously? How could I love the guy? I've barely spoke to him. I've barely even know him. And I believe that you can't possibly love a person when you don't know him. What makes him, laugh? What makes him cry? What makes him angry?  What makes him scared? Who does he talk to when he's sad? What does he do when can't sleep? What does he like to do during his free time? Why the hell is that his nickname? (Yes, I've been wanting to ask him personally about that) Now tell me, how could I possibly love him when I don't know anything about him? Everything that I know of him is from my friends that knows him. Really, just really. But still, I have no other way to describe what I'm feeling except, I'm in love. I'm hopelessly and grievously in love once again.

We had an affair the other night. It was our grad ball. We were all dolled up and looking so pretty and handsome. It was so much fun hanging out with my friends. Getting our hair and make up done, checking in a five star hotel, it was really a worthwhile experience. We arrived late at the venue but it seems like they were much later. I haven't seen anyone from their class. As we took our seats, their group suddenly made an entrance. I have saw, in his arms was a friend of mine. My friend looked beautiful but I can't take my eyes of him. He was dashing. 

The night went routinely. It was not what I expected. It was not really a ball but a mere dinner, with some parlor games and a band playing. I have to admit I was greatly, disappointed. Throughout the whole evening, I can't take my eyes off him. If he manage to be out of my sight, my eyes were always searching for him. I've felt many emotions during that night but the one thing that stood out from the rest was, I do really love him very much and I was deeply hurt. 

You one of the main reasons for the event? It was for our batch to bond together not only with our classmates but also with the other people from the other classes. It was nice to think of that people who you don't normally smile to when you see them in the hallways of our school would smile brightly that night. At least even before we graduate, we manage to smile to each other. I suddenly remembered what my other professor told me, "What do you really want from him?" Before I had my answer that I want to be friends with him. But knowing that it is impossible now, that "It's already too late." I gave up the idea already. But it was at that moment, when we were walking at opposite directions and we passed by each other without so much of a look at each other's direction made me realized that I would never be a part of his world. Never was and never will be. I realized I wanted so much as an acknowledgement maybe a smile whenever we crossed each other's path but I know that even for that, it's too late now. 

Omedetto!

Good Luck... Congratulations...

 Wooh! First of all I want to say CONGRATULATIONS to HIM, his GROUP, my FRIENDS and everyone from his SECTION for having a SUCCESSFUL DEFENSE! I'm so happy for them. I believe everyone of us truly deserves it. :)))) Personally, I really wanted to congratulate him now. I want to text him and say "Congratulations to a successful defense! :))" But, I don't know, it feels like I'm pushing it.

I had a hard time sleeping last night. It took me a while till I was finally able to sleep. I'm worried. It was the start of the judgement week for us seniors. Their section was the first one up, his group was the first victim. 

I prayed hard. really hard. Not just just for them, but for all of us. This is something that would define us and what have we done in our years of stay here in the university. 

As I was on my way to school, I was really anxious. I'm so nervous, and I don'y know why. It's not like we're the one who will be having the defense earlier this morning. But I don't know. I just really am. My stomach had butterflies. And every time I experience this, you know shit just got real. I was really hoping to see him before his defense but I said to myself, if it's better that I won't see him, I would be glad if I won't be able to. What happened before the pageant struck me. Yeah, I'm a pessimistic, paranoid, delusional, neurotic bitch. It's funny, because I should be worrying about myself. I have a quiz on our first subject and it was already 7 A.M. and I'm still walking on my way to school. Why should I be worrying? Simple. I have no grade on that subject yet. I've never had a quiz or seat work of any kind since the second semester started. But at that time, it seemed irrelevant. 

I tried not to think about it. As I passed by the gate and into the campus, I started to run. I might still make it for the quiz. After all, I won't be able to do anything even I make myself worry throughout the whole morning.  It won't do him or me any good at all. As I was passing by the fountain, I saw people who were wearing the green varsity jackets. It caught my attention. I was right. It was their class jacket. I slowed down a bit. I think it's his group. I think it was him. I'm beginning to have a fondness for this certain part of the campus. Since we got back from the Christmas Break, it is making it's mark on me. Seeing him, (I think it was him since I wasn't able to see him clearly since he was facing his back on me) it made me really happy. However, I recollected myself and hurried because, I have a quiz to catch.

When I got in the classroom, I was fortunate enough. Guess what? My professor didn't give a quiz. Darn it. I ran for nothing. Any way, we had a discussion about the subject. However, I wasn't able to concentrate. I kept looking at my watch. 7:30... 7:45... 8:00... It was finally time. I went upstairs but I heard that they haven't started yet. During the whole second period, I was highly sensitive to anything or anyone that moves outside our door. I don't understand why though, it's not like he would be passing by since in the middle of doing some thing. I tried to inhibit myself. I tried, focusing on the lesson in front of me. Somehow it worked a little. I laughed at the old way of writing Tagalog. Hehehehe. But, it was painful. Looking at my watch. Every 5 minutes I was looking at it. So far, it seemed like one of the longest hours in my life. Our professor was about to leave earlier that schedule so stalled him. I don't know why. Maybe to stop myself from going upstairs to see how everything went? Whatever it was, my blockmates were shooting arrows through their eyes on me. 

Third period came, I didn't leave the room. I don't know. I really want to know how everything went but it was inappropriate for me to do so, so I stayed inside the room. Half hour had passed for the third period when our class president went inside. I was looking at her. Somehow I know where she had gone to. She looked at me and smiled. I can't helped but to smile to. She sat behind me, touched my shoulder and said, "They're done with their defense and he's really happy now." That statement made my heart jumped for joy. I was really happy. People who were able to see me and know about the schedule of defense just smiled. They knew why I was smiling like an idiot. Not that I really cared.

I was really happy for him. When my friend said that he was really happy, I wanted to see him. I wanted to see him so badly. I wanted to see him being so happy. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to see him anymore. I think they were celebrating already and are waiting for their other blockmates to be done and over with with the defense.

I devoted myself to social media network fasting until Friday. I wouldn't want to see any status or tweet saying, "YES! WE'RE DONE!" , "WE SURVIVED!", "THANK YOU FOR HAVING A SUCCESSFUL DEFENSE." or worse, "IT'S PARTY TIME!" Yeah, I would be extremely envious of the people so I voluntarily made a deal with myself. 

However, it proved to be quite pointless since people were updating me with stuff like, their section is having the after party, people from their section or posting pictures and such. I was happy for them. I hope they are having a good time. I just don't want to see that now. Not yet. Then something hit me...

Successful defense--->After Party--->Alcohol Drinks???

I don't really care if he drinks the hell out of him but, he just underwent surgery and I think he's not allowed to drink alcohol yet. I hope he's not drinking at all. And if he is, I hope he won't overdo himself. That would be bloody hell. Quite literally... 

Well, I'm really worried right now but there's nothing I can do so I'll just sleep this, whatever this is. I just hope people around him would take care of him. Long day to-morrow.