That Unreplied Message

 

I like you is different with I want you. 

At least in my book, it's different.

Liking someone is simply, liking them.

Wanting is something more proactive.

It's liking someone and doing something to have that person.

I like you, I don't want you.

At least that's what I've been trying to convince myself with.

In the past, I like to put an effort to get something or someone that I like.

Actually now I still do.

To a lesser degree, I think.

The funny yet painful thing is,

I'm not putting an effort for him to like me

I just want to be normal with him.

Like normal acquaintances

Or perhaps, even friends.

One of my professors told me that this would be impossible.

Mainly because I already put him in an awkward position.

As much as I want to blame others,le,

The biggest blame is on me.

I never wanted for us to be in this situation

But we're already are.

And the only thing I could now is to try,

Try to make things better for us.

The question is,

Does he really want things to be better between us?

"He wanted to say Hi to you but you bowed your head down. He smiled at you but you turned around. He does not want any tension between the two of you but the external factors are what keeps you apart."

Those three statements made me intoxicated.

Literally, I felt like I suddenly lost consciousness.

Everything that I believe in about him, shattered.

Usually, when something that you believe in shatters,

you become devastated.

Since, this was in a totally opposite context,

I was truly happy.

You can't imagine how happy I am.

I was...

For some time, people around us started doing things.

Things to make our awkward not to mention full of tension relationship,

less awkward.

Everyone was creating an effort.

The external forces that are keeping us apart,

Are the ones doing things to help us, talk.

I was making an effort.

He was making an effort.

To tell you the truth,

I couldn't believe anything my friend said until,

I saw him agreeing to do the offertory for the mass.

Usually, he would not let himself be anywhere close to me.

But now, since my friend encouraged me to do it,

He actually, agreed to do the offertory.

I don't want to be delusional but,

I was almost certain that he did that because, I agreed to do it.

We somehow thought that we would be able to talk.

Unfortunately, we didn't.

There was someone in between us.

I'm not angry at her.

I wanted to thank her.

She became our break.

I was really happy.

I mean, after knowing all that,

One night is not enough to digest everything.

I was happy that we're just able to be close to each other physically.

Later that afternoon,

My friend blamed that I didn't talked to him.

She said that, he took the chance.

Well, what did he want me to do?

Ignore the person in between us and just talk to him?

However, this made me motivated,

I said to myself that to-morrow for sure,

I would talk to him.

Fortunately, I was able to.

It wasn't a Hi,

It was a Bye!

Although extremely short,

It was extremely big.

For me, for him, for us....

The next day, I was able to clear something up.

His friends ask me if we're friends.

I said to them, on my part, we are.

I don't know about him.

However, they told me that we are.

Even on his part.

Well that's great to know.

We're friends, by name.

Now we should do something to upgrade that.

Everyone was pretty encouraging.

I was embarrassed at the same time flattered.

Everyone wants this "friendship" to workout.

The next, it finally happened.

He was able to talk to me.

He was able to ask me something.

He was able to initiate a conversation with me.

I was so happy.

Plus the fact that he wore something so funny and adorable,

It totally made my day. No, my week.

We went from pretending that each other don't exist,

To talking and smiling.

We're taking it one step at a time.

I was on cloud nine.

This continued.

Before, I only anticipated seeing him.

Now I anticipated the chances that I might be able to talk to him.

The other night, I messaged him.

I was about to ask him something,

I was going to ask him if was still accepting retreat letters.

Unfortunately, he didn't reply.

I had a totally natural-female reaction.

You know those incidents when a girl gets angry when they don't received a reply?

I completely felt that.

It reminded me, "Yeah, I was truly a girl."

I became paranoid.

This is the second or third time that he did this to me.

I suddenly remembered why I acted the way I acted.

It's because he made feel that I don't exist.

Funny things is, it happened on a seventh again.

I think it is destined for him to ignore me during those dates.

Like what happened on the Acquaintance Party,

I was so angry, but after I woke up the next morning,

I was ok again.

I like him again.

I like him even more again...

And I realized that,

I should stop taking many things so seriously.

I should also stop stressing myself with things that I won't be able to control.