Last Friday Night (Wallflower)

And there I was seating on the last table near the door, all alone.

I have always been firm with my stand that, I don't love him. I know I don't. But the other day when my friend asked me, "Are you sure, you don't love him?" I started to doubt myself. Am I really sure that I don't love him? And true enough by the end of that day I finally admitted it to myself what I have been denying for so long. Yes, I do love him. I do love him very much. 

With me finally admitting to that fact comes with whole pack of another rationalization blues. I mean, seriously? How could I love the guy? I've barely spoke to him. I've barely even know him. And I believe that you can't possibly love a person when you don't know him. What makes him, laugh? What makes him cry? What makes him angry?  What makes him scared? Who does he talk to when he's sad? What does he do when can't sleep? What does he like to do during his free time? Why the hell is that his nickname? (Yes, I've been wanting to ask him personally about that) Now tell me, how could I possibly love him when I don't know anything about him? Everything that I know of him is from my friends that knows him. Really, just really. But still, I have no other way to describe what I'm feeling except, I'm in love. I'm hopelessly and grievously in love once again.

We had an affair the other night. It was our grad ball. We were all dolled up and looking so pretty and handsome. It was so much fun hanging out with my friends. Getting our hair and make up done, checking in a five star hotel, it was really a worthwhile experience. We arrived late at the venue but it seems like they were much later. I haven't seen anyone from their class. As we took our seats, their group suddenly made an entrance. I have saw, in his arms was a friend of mine. My friend looked beautiful but I can't take my eyes of him. He was dashing. 

The night went routinely. It was not what I expected. It was not really a ball but a mere dinner, with some parlor games and a band playing. I have to admit I was greatly, disappointed. Throughout the whole evening, I can't take my eyes off him. If he manage to be out of my sight, my eyes were always searching for him. I've felt many emotions during that night but the one thing that stood out from the rest was, I do really love him very much and I was deeply hurt. 

You one of the main reasons for the event? It was for our batch to bond together not only with our classmates but also with the other people from the other classes. It was nice to think of that people who you don't normally smile to when you see them in the hallways of our school would smile brightly that night. At least even before we graduate, we manage to smile to each other. I suddenly remembered what my other professor told me, "What do you really want from him?" Before I had my answer that I want to be friends with him. But knowing that it is impossible now, that "It's already too late." I gave up the idea already. But it was at that moment, when we were walking at opposite directions and we passed by each other without so much of a look at each other's direction made me realized that I would never be a part of his world. Never was and never will be. I realized I wanted so much as an acknowledgement maybe a smile whenever we crossed each other's path but I know that even for that, it's too late now. 

Omedetto!

Good Luck... Congratulations...

 Wooh! First of all I want to say CONGRATULATIONS to HIM, his GROUP, my FRIENDS and everyone from his SECTION for having a SUCCESSFUL DEFENSE! I'm so happy for them. I believe everyone of us truly deserves it. :)))) Personally, I really wanted to congratulate him now. I want to text him and say "Congratulations to a successful defense! :))" But, I don't know, it feels like I'm pushing it.

I had a hard time sleeping last night. It took me a while till I was finally able to sleep. I'm worried. It was the start of the judgement week for us seniors. Their section was the first one up, his group was the first victim. 

I prayed hard. really hard. Not just just for them, but for all of us. This is something that would define us and what have we done in our years of stay here in the university. 

As I was on my way to school, I was really anxious. I'm so nervous, and I don'y know why. It's not like we're the one who will be having the defense earlier this morning. But I don't know. I just really am. My stomach had butterflies. And every time I experience this, you know shit just got real. I was really hoping to see him before his defense but I said to myself, if it's better that I won't see him, I would be glad if I won't be able to. What happened before the pageant struck me. Yeah, I'm a pessimistic, paranoid, delusional, neurotic bitch. It's funny, because I should be worrying about myself. I have a quiz on our first subject and it was already 7 A.M. and I'm still walking on my way to school. Why should I be worrying? Simple. I have no grade on that subject yet. I've never had a quiz or seat work of any kind since the second semester started. But at that time, it seemed irrelevant. 

I tried not to think about it. As I passed by the gate and into the campus, I started to run. I might still make it for the quiz. After all, I won't be able to do anything even I make myself worry throughout the whole morning.  It won't do him or me any good at all. As I was passing by the fountain, I saw people who were wearing the green varsity jackets. It caught my attention. I was right. It was their class jacket. I slowed down a bit. I think it's his group. I think it was him. I'm beginning to have a fondness for this certain part of the campus. Since we got back from the Christmas Break, it is making it's mark on me. Seeing him, (I think it was him since I wasn't able to see him clearly since he was facing his back on me) it made me really happy. However, I recollected myself and hurried because, I have a quiz to catch.

When I got in the classroom, I was fortunate enough. Guess what? My professor didn't give a quiz. Darn it. I ran for nothing. Any way, we had a discussion about the subject. However, I wasn't able to concentrate. I kept looking at my watch. 7:30... 7:45... 8:00... It was finally time. I went upstairs but I heard that they haven't started yet. During the whole second period, I was highly sensitive to anything or anyone that moves outside our door. I don't understand why though, it's not like he would be passing by since in the middle of doing some thing. I tried to inhibit myself. I tried, focusing on the lesson in front of me. Somehow it worked a little. I laughed at the old way of writing Tagalog. Hehehehe. But, it was painful. Looking at my watch. Every 5 minutes I was looking at it. So far, it seemed like one of the longest hours in my life. Our professor was about to leave earlier that schedule so stalled him. I don't know why. Maybe to stop myself from going upstairs to see how everything went? Whatever it was, my blockmates were shooting arrows through their eyes on me. 

Third period came, I didn't leave the room. I don't know. I really want to know how everything went but it was inappropriate for me to do so, so I stayed inside the room. Half hour had passed for the third period when our class president went inside. I was looking at her. Somehow I know where she had gone to. She looked at me and smiled. I can't helped but to smile to. She sat behind me, touched my shoulder and said, "They're done with their defense and he's really happy now." That statement made my heart jumped for joy. I was really happy. People who were able to see me and know about the schedule of defense just smiled. They knew why I was smiling like an idiot. Not that I really cared.

I was really happy for him. When my friend said that he was really happy, I wanted to see him. I wanted to see him so badly. I wanted to see him being so happy. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to see him anymore. I think they were celebrating already and are waiting for their other blockmates to be done and over with with the defense.

I devoted myself to social media network fasting until Friday. I wouldn't want to see any status or tweet saying, "YES! WE'RE DONE!" , "WE SURVIVED!", "THANK YOU FOR HAVING A SUCCESSFUL DEFENSE." or worse, "IT'S PARTY TIME!" Yeah, I would be extremely envious of the people so I voluntarily made a deal with myself. 

However, it proved to be quite pointless since people were updating me with stuff like, their section is having the after party, people from their section or posting pictures and such. I was happy for them. I hope they are having a good time. I just don't want to see that now. Not yet. Then something hit me...

Successful defense--->After Party--->Alcohol Drinks???

I don't really care if he drinks the hell out of him but, he just underwent surgery and I think he's not allowed to drink alcohol yet. I hope he's not drinking at all. And if he is, I hope he won't overdo himself. That would be bloody hell. Quite literally... 

Well, I'm really worried right now but there's nothing I can do so I'll just sleep this, whatever this is. I just hope people around him would take care of him. Long day to-morrow.

That Unreplied Message

 

I like you is different with I want you. 

At least in my book, it's different.

Liking someone is simply, liking them.

Wanting is something more proactive.

It's liking someone and doing something to have that person.

I like you, I don't want you.

At least that's what I've been trying to convince myself with.

In the past, I like to put an effort to get something or someone that I like.

Actually now I still do.

To a lesser degree, I think.

The funny yet painful thing is,

I'm not putting an effort for him to like me

I just want to be normal with him.

Like normal acquaintances

Or perhaps, even friends.

One of my professors told me that this would be impossible.

Mainly because I already put him in an awkward position.

As much as I want to blame others,le,

The biggest blame is on me.

I never wanted for us to be in this situation

But we're already are.

And the only thing I could now is to try,

Try to make things better for us.

The question is,

Does he really want things to be better between us?

"He wanted to say Hi to you but you bowed your head down. He smiled at you but you turned around. He does not want any tension between the two of you but the external factors are what keeps you apart."

Those three statements made me intoxicated.

Literally, I felt like I suddenly lost consciousness.

Everything that I believe in about him, shattered.

Usually, when something that you believe in shatters,

you become devastated.

Since, this was in a totally opposite context,

I was truly happy.

You can't imagine how happy I am.

I was...

For some time, people around us started doing things.

Things to make our awkward not to mention full of tension relationship,

less awkward.

Everyone was creating an effort.

The external forces that are keeping us apart,

Are the ones doing things to help us, talk.

I was making an effort.

He was making an effort.

To tell you the truth,

I couldn't believe anything my friend said until,

I saw him agreeing to do the offertory for the mass.

Usually, he would not let himself be anywhere close to me.

But now, since my friend encouraged me to do it,

He actually, agreed to do the offertory.

I don't want to be delusional but,

I was almost certain that he did that because, I agreed to do it.

We somehow thought that we would be able to talk.

Unfortunately, we didn't.

There was someone in between us.

I'm not angry at her.

I wanted to thank her.

She became our break.

I was really happy.

I mean, after knowing all that,

One night is not enough to digest everything.

I was happy that we're just able to be close to each other physically.

Later that afternoon,

My friend blamed that I didn't talked to him.

She said that, he took the chance.

Well, what did he want me to do?

Ignore the person in between us and just talk to him?

However, this made me motivated,

I said to myself that to-morrow for sure,

I would talk to him.

Fortunately, I was able to.

It wasn't a Hi,

It was a Bye!

Although extremely short,

It was extremely big.

For me, for him, for us....

The next day, I was able to clear something up.

His friends ask me if we're friends.

I said to them, on my part, we are.

I don't know about him.

However, they told me that we are.

Even on his part.

Well that's great to know.

We're friends, by name.

Now we should do something to upgrade that.

Everyone was pretty encouraging.

I was embarrassed at the same time flattered.

Everyone wants this "friendship" to workout.

The next, it finally happened.

He was able to talk to me.

He was able to ask me something.

He was able to initiate a conversation with me.

I was so happy.

Plus the fact that he wore something so funny and adorable,

It totally made my day. No, my week.

We went from pretending that each other don't exist,

To talking and smiling.

We're taking it one step at a time.

I was on cloud nine.

This continued.

Before, I only anticipated seeing him.

Now I anticipated the chances that I might be able to talk to him.

The other night, I messaged him.

I was about to ask him something,

I was going to ask him if was still accepting retreat letters.

Unfortunately, he didn't reply.

I had a totally natural-female reaction.

You know those incidents when a girl gets angry when they don't received a reply?

I completely felt that.

It reminded me, "Yeah, I was truly a girl."

I became paranoid.

This is the second or third time that he did this to me.

I suddenly remembered why I acted the way I acted.

It's because he made feel that I don't exist.

Funny things is, it happened on a seventh again.

I think it is destined for him to ignore me during those dates.

Like what happened on the Acquaintance Party,

I was so angry, but after I woke up the next morning,

I was ok again.

I like him again.

I like him even more again...

And I realized that,

I should stop taking many things so seriously.

I should also stop stressing myself with things that I won't be able to control.



Giving My Heart A Break

Giving my heart a break coz I don't want to break my heart.

Literally this time because I won't be able to see him to-morrow.
Everything happened so suddenly.
We went from not talking or not acknowledging the presence of 
one another for 10 months to having casual talks already.

I was really looking forward to our retreat.
I had a lot of thoughts about it.
Things that I would want to accomplish.
Plans that I would want execute.
Decisions that I have to make.
Goodbyes that I intended to make.
I said everything that I wanted to my friends.
All the thank you's, I'm sorry's and I hope to be part of you life even after this speeches.
It was really nice.
I was able to fulfill this all, except for one thing...
What I wanted to say to him or even if I had anything I want to say.

Actually, it's not a matter of not having anything to say,
it was having the courage to say something to him.

Nevertheless, I was really happy.
I didn't spoke a single word to him during that 2 nights- 3 days retreat but..,
seeing him for such a long period of time made me really happy.
Really beyond words...

He, together with his friends, riding the same bus as our class was a surprise.
I mean, I know he doesn't want to be pestered with our whole awkward issue.
I mean, he even stopped bringing the equipment to our class just so my classmates won't say anything.
But I guess, he was just doing his job.
After all, he's the president of the class...

If there is something I was really accustomed to already,
it was his back profile...
It was the thing that I see often.
I guess I just can't look him in the face so this is the best I can get...

Our first afternoon in the place was very memorable.
The place was splendid.
Really refreshing. Exactly what we need.
A break from everything else.
I was hoping for a break too but knowing the fact that he's in the same place as me,
I guess I kissed that thought goodbye a long time ago.

But it was not what made my first afternoon there very memorable.
It was an unexpected gesture...
I was talking to a friend near the balcony but she ignored me and I heard her talking to someone.
Curious as to who was she talking to, I peeked over the balcony.
I wish I could say that I regretted it, but I don't.
It's probably one of the best decisions I ever made.
The moment I looked down, I saw him.
Our eyes met.
And I'm not sure but, I think my heart skipped a beat.
However, since I can't look at him for a long time,
especially when I'm looking at his eyes...
I quickly turned away.

I should have noticed it by then.
Somehow his eyes felt different.
It felt different when he looked at me. 
It actually felt like he was looking at me...
Not right through me.

But since I was so caught up with my ways,
I just ignored it.
Do you know one of my favorite parts of the retreat?
It was having the opportunity to steel glances of him.
It may sound creepy but...
Really this the best thing that I could possibly bargain.
At times, I think he caught me but,
I can't really do anything about that.
And that didn't stop me either.

Mistakes Ei?

Chasing after someone who never did, and

never will, care about you in the same way.

Hmmm. Chasing? How do you exactly define chasing? 
Running after the person?
Tailing the person wherever he/she goes?
Always looking out for him/her?

IF this is HOW you define IT then, I'M NOT CHASING anybody.
Yet, the moment I read this statement, I felt guilty as charged.
Does constantly looking at the person considered chasing?
Does constantly wanting to see the person considered chasing?
Does wanting to see the person smile considered chasing?
I don't think so. But still the feeling remains.

It really sucks feeling this way.
It even sucks more when you don't know what could possibly cause you to feel this way.
I know I don't love him. I'm sure I don't. 
I can tell you that in a heartbeat.
I guess, infatuation? Obsession? 
But really, do you feel a genuine and non-malice concern when you're only infatuated or obsessed?

It hard when you don't understand what you're feeling.
I myself don't like the feeling of not knowing a very conscious part of myself.
It makes me anxious. It makes me weak.
And I can't afford to be weak. No, not now. Not ever.