That Unreplied Message

 

I like you is different with I want you. 

At least in my book, it's different.

Liking someone is simply, liking them.

Wanting is something more proactive.

It's liking someone and doing something to have that person.

I like you, I don't want you.

At least that's what I've been trying to convince myself with.

In the past, I like to put an effort to get something or someone that I like.

Actually now I still do.

To a lesser degree, I think.

The funny yet painful thing is,

I'm not putting an effort for him to like me

I just want to be normal with him.

Like normal acquaintances

Or perhaps, even friends.

One of my professors told me that this would be impossible.

Mainly because I already put him in an awkward position.

As much as I want to blame others,le,

The biggest blame is on me.

I never wanted for us to be in this situation

But we're already are.

And the only thing I could now is to try,

Try to make things better for us.

The question is,

Does he really want things to be better between us?

"He wanted to say Hi to you but you bowed your head down. He smiled at you but you turned around. He does not want any tension between the two of you but the external factors are what keeps you apart."

Those three statements made me intoxicated.

Literally, I felt like I suddenly lost consciousness.

Everything that I believe in about him, shattered.

Usually, when something that you believe in shatters,

you become devastated.

Since, this was in a totally opposite context,

I was truly happy.

You can't imagine how happy I am.

I was...

For some time, people around us started doing things.

Things to make our awkward not to mention full of tension relationship,

less awkward.

Everyone was creating an effort.

The external forces that are keeping us apart,

Are the ones doing things to help us, talk.

I was making an effort.

He was making an effort.

To tell you the truth,

I couldn't believe anything my friend said until,

I saw him agreeing to do the offertory for the mass.

Usually, he would not let himself be anywhere close to me.

But now, since my friend encouraged me to do it,

He actually, agreed to do the offertory.

I don't want to be delusional but,

I was almost certain that he did that because, I agreed to do it.

We somehow thought that we would be able to talk.

Unfortunately, we didn't.

There was someone in between us.

I'm not angry at her.

I wanted to thank her.

She became our break.

I was really happy.

I mean, after knowing all that,

One night is not enough to digest everything.

I was happy that we're just able to be close to each other physically.

Later that afternoon,

My friend blamed that I didn't talked to him.

She said that, he took the chance.

Well, what did he want me to do?

Ignore the person in between us and just talk to him?

However, this made me motivated,

I said to myself that to-morrow for sure,

I would talk to him.

Fortunately, I was able to.

It wasn't a Hi,

It was a Bye!

Although extremely short,

It was extremely big.

For me, for him, for us....

The next day, I was able to clear something up.

His friends ask me if we're friends.

I said to them, on my part, we are.

I don't know about him.

However, they told me that we are.

Even on his part.

Well that's great to know.

We're friends, by name.

Now we should do something to upgrade that.

Everyone was pretty encouraging.

I was embarrassed at the same time flattered.

Everyone wants this "friendship" to workout.

The next, it finally happened.

He was able to talk to me.

He was able to ask me something.

He was able to initiate a conversation with me.

I was so happy.

Plus the fact that he wore something so funny and adorable,

It totally made my day. No, my week.

We went from pretending that each other don't exist,

To talking and smiling.

We're taking it one step at a time.

I was on cloud nine.

This continued.

Before, I only anticipated seeing him.

Now I anticipated the chances that I might be able to talk to him.

The other night, I messaged him.

I was about to ask him something,

I was going to ask him if was still accepting retreat letters.

Unfortunately, he didn't reply.

I had a totally natural-female reaction.

You know those incidents when a girl gets angry when they don't received a reply?

I completely felt that.

It reminded me, "Yeah, I was truly a girl."

I became paranoid.

This is the second or third time that he did this to me.

I suddenly remembered why I acted the way I acted.

It's because he made feel that I don't exist.

Funny things is, it happened on a seventh again.

I think it is destined for him to ignore me during those dates.

Like what happened on the Acquaintance Party,

I was so angry, but after I woke up the next morning,

I was ok again.

I like him again.

I like him even more again...

And I realized that,

I should stop taking many things so seriously.

I should also stop stressing myself with things that I won't be able to control.



Giving My Heart A Break

Giving my heart a break coz I don't want to break my heart.

Literally this time because I won't be able to see him to-morrow.
Everything happened so suddenly.
We went from not talking or not acknowledging the presence of 
one another for 10 months to having casual talks already.

I was really looking forward to our retreat.
I had a lot of thoughts about it.
Things that I would want to accomplish.
Plans that I would want execute.
Decisions that I have to make.
Goodbyes that I intended to make.
I said everything that I wanted to my friends.
All the thank you's, I'm sorry's and I hope to be part of you life even after this speeches.
It was really nice.
I was able to fulfill this all, except for one thing...
What I wanted to say to him or even if I had anything I want to say.

Actually, it's not a matter of not having anything to say,
it was having the courage to say something to him.

Nevertheless, I was really happy.
I didn't spoke a single word to him during that 2 nights- 3 days retreat but..,
seeing him for such a long period of time made me really happy.
Really beyond words...

He, together with his friends, riding the same bus as our class was a surprise.
I mean, I know he doesn't want to be pestered with our whole awkward issue.
I mean, he even stopped bringing the equipment to our class just so my classmates won't say anything.
But I guess, he was just doing his job.
After all, he's the president of the class...

If there is something I was really accustomed to already,
it was his back profile...
It was the thing that I see often.
I guess I just can't look him in the face so this is the best I can get...

Our first afternoon in the place was very memorable.
The place was splendid.
Really refreshing. Exactly what we need.
A break from everything else.
I was hoping for a break too but knowing the fact that he's in the same place as me,
I guess I kissed that thought goodbye a long time ago.

But it was not what made my first afternoon there very memorable.
It was an unexpected gesture...
I was talking to a friend near the balcony but she ignored me and I heard her talking to someone.
Curious as to who was she talking to, I peeked over the balcony.
I wish I could say that I regretted it, but I don't.
It's probably one of the best decisions I ever made.
The moment I looked down, I saw him.
Our eyes met.
And I'm not sure but, I think my heart skipped a beat.
However, since I can't look at him for a long time,
especially when I'm looking at his eyes...
I quickly turned away.

I should have noticed it by then.
Somehow his eyes felt different.
It felt different when he looked at me. 
It actually felt like he was looking at me...
Not right through me.

But since I was so caught up with my ways,
I just ignored it.
Do you know one of my favorite parts of the retreat?
It was having the opportunity to steel glances of him.
It may sound creepy but...
Really this the best thing that I could possibly bargain.
At times, I think he caught me but,
I can't really do anything about that.
And that didn't stop me either.

Mistakes Ei?

Chasing after someone who never did, and

never will, care about you in the same way.

Hmmm. Chasing? How do you exactly define chasing? 
Running after the person?
Tailing the person wherever he/she goes?
Always looking out for him/her?

IF this is HOW you define IT then, I'M NOT CHASING anybody.
Yet, the moment I read this statement, I felt guilty as charged.
Does constantly looking at the person considered chasing?
Does constantly wanting to see the person considered chasing?
Does wanting to see the person smile considered chasing?
I don't think so. But still the feeling remains.

It really sucks feeling this way.
It even sucks more when you don't know what could possibly cause you to feel this way.
I know I don't love him. I'm sure I don't. 
I can tell you that in a heartbeat.
I guess, infatuation? Obsession? 
But really, do you feel a genuine and non-malice concern when you're only infatuated or obsessed?

It hard when you don't understand what you're feeling.
I myself don't like the feeling of not knowing a very conscious part of myself.
It makes me anxious. It makes me weak.
And I can't afford to be weak. No, not now. Not ever.